I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, "Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it." Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
I have three kids, one of each.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!
I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."
And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.
Man, who don't like spaghetti?
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
My wife's favourite position is back to back.
I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."
They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."
My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with!
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I was a poster child... for birth control!
I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"
I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"
My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”
My wife's a great driver; she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”
