540 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
540 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
A Gypsy curse.
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A moment of silence.
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A sausage festival.
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An honest cop with nothing left to lose.
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Famine.
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Flesh-eating bacteria.
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Flying sex snakes.
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Not giving a shit about the Third World.
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Sexting.
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Shapeshifters.
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Porn stars.
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Raping and pillaging.
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72 virgins.
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A drive-by shooting.
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A time travel paradox.
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Authentic Mexican cuisine.
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Bling.
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Consultants.
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Crippling debt.
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Daddy issues.
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The Donald Trump Seal of Approval.
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Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
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Former President George W. Bush.
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Full frontal nudity.
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Hormone injections.
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Laying an egg.
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Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.
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Pretending to care.
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Public ridicule.
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Sharing needles.
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Boogers.
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The inevitable heat death of the universe.
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The miracle of childbirth.
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The Rapture.
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Whipping it out.
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White privilege.
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Wifely duties.
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The Hamburglar.
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AXE Body Spray.
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The Blood of Christ.
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Horrifying laser hair removal accidents.
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BATMAN!!!
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Agriculture.
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A robust mongoloid.
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Natural selection.
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Coat hanger abortions.
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Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.
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Michelle Obama's arms.
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The World of Warcraft.
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Swooping.
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Obesity.
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A homoerotic volleyball montage.
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Lockjaw.
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A mating display.
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Testicular torsion.
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All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.
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Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza.
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Kanye West.
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Hot cheese.
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Raptor attacks.
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Taking off your shirt.
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Smegma.
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Alcoholism.
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A middle-aged man on roller skates.
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The Care Bear Stare.
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Bingeing and purging.
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Oversized lollipops.
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Self-loathing.
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Children on leashes.
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Half-assed foreplay.
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The Holy Bible.
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German dungeon porn.
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Being on fire.
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Teenage pregnancy.
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Gandhi.
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Leaving an awkward voicemail.
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Uppercuts.
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Customer service representatives.
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An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
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My genitals.
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Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
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Science.
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Not reciprocating oral sex.
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Flightless birds.
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A good sniff.
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Waterboarding.
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A balanced breakfast.
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Historically black colleges.
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Actually taking candy from a baby.
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The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
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A clandestine butt scratch.
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Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
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The Chinese gymnastics team.
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Switching to Geico.
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Peeing a little bit.
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Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine.
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Nocturnal emissions.
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The Jews.
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My humps.
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Powerful thighs.
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Winking at old people.
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Mr. Clean, right behind you.
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A gentle caress of the inner thigh.
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Sexual tension.
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The forbidden fruit.
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Skeletor.
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Fancy Feast.
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Being rich.
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Sweet, sweet vengeance.
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Republicans.
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A gassy antelope.
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Natalie Portman.
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Copping a feel.
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Kamikaze pilots.
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Sean Connery.
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The homosexual agenda.
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The hardworking Mexican.
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A falcon with a cap on its head.
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Altar boys.
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The Kool-Aid Man.
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Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
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Free samples.
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A big hoopla about nothing.
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Doing the right thing.
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The Three-Fifths compromise.
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Lactation.
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World peace.
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RoboCop.
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Chutzpah.
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Justin Bieber.
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Oompa-Loompas.
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Inappropriate yodeling.
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Puberty.
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Ghosts.
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An asymmetric boob job.
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Vigorous jazz hands.
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Fingering.
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Glenn Beck catching his scrotum on a curtain hook.
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GoGurt.
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Police brutality.
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John Wilkes Booth.
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Preteens.
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Scalping.
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Stifling a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
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"Tweeting."
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Darth Vader.
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A sad handjob.
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Exactly what you'd expect.
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Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.
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Adderall.
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Embryonic stem cells.
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Tasteful sideboob.
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Panda sex.
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An icepick lobotomy.
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Tom Cruise.
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Mouth herpes.
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Sperm whales.
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Homeless people.
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Third base.
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Incest.
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Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum.
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A mime having a stroke.
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Hulk Hogan.
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God.
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Scrubbing under the folds.
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Golden showers.
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Emotions.
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Licking things to claim them as your own.
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Pabst Blue Ribbon.
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The placenta.
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Spontaneous human combustion.
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Friends with benefits.
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Finger painting.
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Old-people smell.
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Dying of dysentery.
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My inner demons.
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A Super Soaker full of cat pee.
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Aaron Burr.
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Cuddling.
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The chronic.
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Cockfights.
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Friendly fire.
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Ronald Reagan.
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A disappointing birthday party.
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A sassy black woman.
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Mathletes.
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A tiny horse.
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William Shatner.
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Riding off into the sunset.
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An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
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Jew-fros.
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Mutually-assured destruction.
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Pedophiles.
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Yeast.
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Grave robbing.
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Eating the last known bison.
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Catapults.
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Poor people.
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Forgetting the Alamo.
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The Hustle.
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The Force.
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Wiping her butt.
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Intelligent design.
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Loose lips.
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AIDS.
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Pictures of boobs.
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The Übermensch.
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Sarah Palin.
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American Gladiators.
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Getting really high.
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Scientology.
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Penis envy.
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Praying the gay away.
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Frolicking.
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Two midgets shitting into a bucket.
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The KKK.
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Genghis Khan.
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Crystal meth.
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Serfdom.
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Stranger danger.
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A Bop It.
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Shaquille O'Neal's acting career.
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Prancing.
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Vigilante justice.
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Overcompensation.
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Pixelated bukkake.
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A lifetime of sadness.
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Racism.
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Dwarf tossing.
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Sunshine and rainbows.
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A monkey smoking a cigar.
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Flash flooding.
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Lance Armstrong's missing testicle.
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Dry heaving.
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The terrorists.
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Britney Spears at 55.
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Attitude.
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Breaking out into song and dance.
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Leprosy.
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Gloryholes.
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Nipple blades.
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The heart of a child.
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Puppies!
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Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
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Dental dams.
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Toni Morrison's vagina.
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The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge.
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Active listening.
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Ethnic cleansing.
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The Little Engine That Could.
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The invisible hand.
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Waiting ‘til marriage.
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Unfathomable stupidity.
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Euphoria by Calvin Klein.
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Re-gifting.
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Autocannibalism.
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Erectile dysfunction.
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My collection of high-tech sex toys.
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The Pope.
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White people.
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Tentacle porn.
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Glenn Beck convulsively vomiting as a brood of crab spiders hatches in his brain and erupts from his tear ducts.
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Too much hair gel.
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Seppuku.
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Same-sex ice dancing.
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Cheating in the Special Olympics.
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Charisma.
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Keanu Reeves.
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Sean Penn.
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Nickelback.
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A look-see.
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Pooping back and forth. Forever.
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Menstruation.
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Kids with ass cancer.
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A salty surprise.
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The South.
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The violation of our most basic human rights.
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YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.
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Date rape.
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Being fabulous.
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Necrophilia.
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Centaurs.
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Bill Nye the Science Guy.
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Black people.
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Chivalry.
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Lunchables.
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Bitches.
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The profoundly handicapped.
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Heartwarming orphans.
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MechaHitler.
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Fiery poops.
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Another goddamn vampire movie.
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Tangled Slinkys.
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The true meaning of Christmas.
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Estrogen.
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A zesty breakfast burrito.
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That thing that electrocutes your abs.
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Passing a kidney stone.
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A bleached asshole.
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Michael Jackson.
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Cybernetic enhancements.
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Guys who don't call.
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Smallpox blankets.
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Masturbation.
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Classist undertones.
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Queefing.
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Concealing a boner.
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Edible underpants.
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Viagra.
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Soup that is too hot.
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Muhammad (Praise Be Unto Him).
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Surprise sex!
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Five-Dollar Footlongs.
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Drinking alone.
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Dick fingers.
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Multiple stab wounds.
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Soiling oneself.
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Child abuse.
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Anal beads.
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Civilian casualties.
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Pulling out.
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Robert Downey, Jr.
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Horse meat.
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A really cool hat.
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Kim Jong-il.
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A stray pube.
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Jewish fraternities.
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The token minority.
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Doin' it in the butt.
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Feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
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Teaching a robot to love.
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A can of whoop-ass.
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A windmill full of corpses.
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Count Chocula.
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Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry.
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A death ray.
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The glass ceiling.
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A cooler full of organs.
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The American Dream.
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Keg stands.
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When you fart and a little bit comes out.
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Take-backsies.
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Dead babies.
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Foreskin.
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Saxophone solos.
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Italians.
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A fetus.
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Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog.
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Dick Cheney.
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Amputees.
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Eugenics.
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My relationship status.
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Christopher Walken.
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Bees?
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Harry Potter erotica.
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College.
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Getting drunk on mouthwash.
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Nazis.
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8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.
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Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
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Dead parents.
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Object permanence.
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Opposable thumbs.
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Racially-biased SAT questions.
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Jibber-jabber.
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Chainsaws for hands.
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Nicolas Cage.
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Child beauty pageants.
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Explosions.
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Sniffing glue.
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Glenn Beck being harried by a swarm of buzzards.
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Repression.
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Roofies.
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My vagina.
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Assless chaps.
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A murder most foul.
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Giving 110 percent.
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Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II.
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The Trail of Tears.
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Being marginalized.
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Goblins.
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Hope.
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The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
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A micropenis.
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My soul.
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A hot mess.
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Vikings.
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Hot people.
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Seduction.
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An Oedipus complex.
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Geese.
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Global warming.
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New Age music.
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Hot Pockets.
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Making a pouty face.
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Vehicular manslaughter.
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Women's suffrage.
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A defective condom.
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Judge Judy.
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African children.
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The Virginia Tech Massacre.
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Barack Obama.
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Asians who aren't good at math.
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Elderly Japanese men.
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Exchanging pleasantries.
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Heteronormativity.
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Parting the Red Sea.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Road head.
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Spectacular abs.
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Figgy pudding.
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A mopey zoo lion.
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A bag of magic beans.
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Poor life choices.
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My sex life.
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Auschwitz.
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A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.
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A thermonuclear detonation.
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The clitoris.
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The Big Bang.
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Land mines.
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Friends who eat all the snacks.
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Goats eating cans.
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The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
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Jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
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Man meat.
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Me time.
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The Underground Railroad.
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Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
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A sea of troubles.
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Lumberjack fantasies.
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Morgan Freeman's voice.
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Women in yogurt commercials.
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Natural male enhancement.
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Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
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Genital piercings.
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Passable transvestites.
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Sexy pillow fights.
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Balls.
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Grandma.
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Friction.
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Party poopers.
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Farting and walking away.
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Being a dick to children.
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Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars.
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The Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep System.
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Dying.
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Hurricane Katrina.
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The gays.
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The folly of man.
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Men.
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The Amish.
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Pterodactyl eggs.
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Team-building exercises.
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A brain tumor.
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Cards Against Humanity.
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Fear itself.
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Lady Gaga.
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The milk man.
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A foul mouth.
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A big black dick.
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A beached whale.
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A bloody pacifier.
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A crappy little hand.
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A low standard of living.
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A nuanced critique.
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Panty raids.
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A passionate Latino lover.
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A rival dojo.
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A web of lies.
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A woman scorned.
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Clams.
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Apologizing.
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Appreciative snapping.
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Neil Patrick Harris.
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Beating your wives.
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Being a dinosaur.
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Shaft.
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Bosnian chicken farmers.
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Nubile slave boys.
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Carnies.
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Coughing into a vagina.
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Suicidal thoughts.
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Dancing with a broom.
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Deflowering the princess.
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Dorito breath.
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Eating an albino.
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Enormous Scandinavian women.
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Fabricating statistics.
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Finding a skeleton.
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Gandalf.
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Genetically engineered super-soldiers.
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George Clooney's musk.
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Getting abducted by Peter Pan.
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Getting in her pants, politely.
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Gladiatorial combat.
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Good grammar.
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Hipsters.
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Historical revisionism.
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Insatiable bloodlust.
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Jafar.
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Jean-Claude Van Damme.
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Just the tip.
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Mad hacky-sack skills.
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Leveling up.
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Literally eating shit.
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Making the penises kiss.
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Media coverage.
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Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament.
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Moral ambiguity.
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My machete.
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One thousand Slim Jims.
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Ominous background music.
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Overpowering your father.
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Pistol-whipping a hostage.
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Quiche.
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Quivering jowls.
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Revenge fucking.
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Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart.
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Ryan Gosling riding in on a white horse.
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Santa Claus.
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Scrotum tickling.
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Sexual humiliation.
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Sexy Siamese twins.
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Slow motion.
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Space muffins.
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Statistically validated stereotypes.
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Sudden Poop Explosion Disease.
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The boners of the elderly.
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The economy.
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The Fanta girls.
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The Gulags.
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The harsh light of day.
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The hiccups.
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The shambling corpse of Larry King.
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The four arms of Vishnu.
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Being a busy adult with many important things to do.
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Tripping balls.
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Words, words, words.
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Zeus's sexual appetites. |